I Think I'd Rather Watch This On TV

Honestly that is how I will always remember Rory.

We figured out that we had met when I was in college at UC Berkeley.  I had moved to a North side apartment and was working at a Copymat just down the block from him so I start going to Comic Relief  It turned out to be a pretty great store even back in the late 80s.  They did pull lists which I never had seen before and the staff was good about recommending books.  So I would go in every week and Rory said that we probably talked to each other a lot.  After all we were both Legion fans.

I really didn't become friends with him I started working in TV.  I had started up a relationship with Warren Ellis and that of course meant becoming part of his online community.   So I was trawling for interesting books for possible kids  shows.  I got some decent suggestions and some TERRIBLE ones, Then I got an email from this retailer, Rory Root.  He wanted to know if I would be coming to San Diego.   When I got there I started what would be come the other constant in my relationship with him.  Rory pulls out stacks of books  but before he lets me look he check to make sure if this would be my money or the companies.  Then he smoothly seperated me from said money and replaced it with great books, all the while making sure I would stop to be introduced to creators that ALWAYS stopped by to say hi to him.  He was always ready to talk about any kind of reading material or new show he just got into.  But the guy was never rude.  He always made everyone around him feel welcome.

He knew everybody.  He knew every comic shop I ever went to and the owners.  He knew the staff of I think the top 40 comic companies.  From the president down to the guy who got coffee. 

Anyway, I would always make an effort to talk to Rory whenever I was in the Bay or at a Con.  I was pretty quick to catch on that as often as he was at the booth helping someone find some new book, he would be standing just outside a door smoking and talking to someone about something.  So at the big cons I would usually
 start outside then head to his booth.  Hell after a while I would just always volunteer to help set up.  Didn't care if I had meetings the rest of the day or not.  We had a ritual of always buying each other  an egg sandwich at the start of APE.  Or discussing the best place to grab some food during the day.  He would always know the gossip on the floor but he would never talk shit about anyone...although he could make it clear when he didn't approve of something.

When I was finally talked into doing a comic, he was the first guy I talked to.  He always had a minute for my stupid ass questions and two or three ideas about how to get the sales up.  He once gave a me a pretty long talking to about opportunities I could take to get the book out there but totally was sympathetic about events in my life that were interfering.  When that turned around and he was having problems with his store I didn't hesitate to throw any help I could his way cause I know he would have for me, but would never ask me otherwise.

I can't lie.  I am really broken up about his passing because he was always there.  I always thought I would be lifting his heavy ass shelves for APE, debating whether Levitz would ever make us both happy and put out the Legion archives of his run, eating egg sandwiches and talking about up and coming creators.  I just thought I would always have time with that friend.  Now he is gone and the last thing I said was that I would call him in a week and I forgot to get back to him.

And I am pretty sure he didn't mind that I forgot.  I hope he at least went out thinking about something fun.

Rest In Peace Rory.

I am reposting this to go along with the start of the new fall season.  Cuz you know it is important to understand the process.

I was roaming the Internerd, and ran across a conversation that I see a lot about how the networks are keeping the good shows off the air for the purpose of the big hit.

While that is sorta true, I mean who doesn't want a big hit, people don't take into account the whole process of TV. For one, it isn't free. It is paid for by the commercials you don't watch. Because of that economic restriction you have to play pretend. Pretend that the audience IS watching the commercial, we the network will guarantee that so many 18-35 year old eyes will watch it during the Wacky Adventures of "Soon To Be In Rehab". Of course when the audience sees thru the "talents" of the star of STBIR, then the network has to make up for the lack of audience for those commercials. Hence it is cheaper to rerun the show "That Put Her in Therapy", then to show even 3 episodes of STBIR

So you are saying that it is impossible for anything new to get a chance?

Yeah but here's the thing you are forgetting:

Heather Graham is perceived as a huge star draw. SO the ad sales (not to mention the endless promotion) were huge. then it comes back with a number that makes the WB look like it is running new episodes of "ER vs CSI" SUPA INSTANT FLOPU! As much as people complain, smaller shows will get given more of a chance if they are:

1. Cheap, like Seinfeld and Cheers. those were easy to produce set shows with a cast of largely unknown or "don't care abouts"
2. Show some kinda growth from episode to episode...All I can think of at the moment is Dawson's but that is a bad example. OH! 24 and The OC!
3. do HUGE numbers demographically. Buffy was never a true ratings winner but it had great teen girl numbers. this is actually the case for most of the WB shows. So from there the network could guarantee specific marketing and charge bigger ad money.

Once you start screwing around with lots of stars or expensive producers (Arrested Development I am looking at youuuu) or huge casts and lots of OUTSIDE locations (Still looking at you AD and EYES, you can't hide either) then the only thing that will save a show is if it gets a high placed exec behind it to champion the show (and risk her/his career).

Huh, that was kinda informative...

I actually wrote this three years ago.  Apparently my rage did not change the industry one bit...

Looking over the New Fall Season is usually like sneaking a peek at Xmas presents for me. So imagine my surprise when I looked into the back of the closet to find that i am getting the same presents that I got last year!

I can't believe I am saying this but WHAT HAPPENED TO MAKING SITCOMS???

Used to be that networks knew what a sitcom was. It was a COMEDY derived from a SITUATION. Now I know the pendants among you will bristle at my next comment but BEING AT WORK OR HOME WITH  FAMILY IS NOT A SITUATION...unless one of the family is a robot, monkey or alien.

We used to watch shows about martians and witches and genies living among us. We would stand around the water cooler discuss the folly of liberals living in peace with bigots and how similar the slob on TV was to the husband of the neat freak we know. I admit I never knew any hillbillies that hit it rich nor reading about the leading scientist of coconut technology being stranded on an island with the 3rd richest man in the world but it was fun to watch.  Now we have gotten to uppity to enjoy the weekly antics of one ethnicity living with another richer ethnicity.

Personally I blame the Bradys for blurring the line. I mean, yeah it is crazy bananas to see kids and a maid in a house with one bathroom and four bedrooms, but beyond that nothing was really happening that you couldn't do with just two or three kids. I mean look at Diff'rent Strokes, which continued to erode the comedy barrier while setting a record for the damage an innocent entertainment could do to the lives of children.  You have to admit it was life changing.  At least for some kids who had nothing but a dream.  Meanwhile the rest of us learned to NEVER GO NEAR A BICYCLE SHOP!  But the next thing you know we are watching Cosby and Seinfeld and people forgot that people really want to see folks put into wacky, yet slightly plausible situation to comfort them in their own grey lives.

How do I know this? Because the oneline for every  reality show is frighteningly similar to a sitcom description. Dammit stop wasting all the good set ups on Paris Hilton and people named Fantasia and let's get back to answering the question of how to live with talking animals or inanimate objects!!!

Cuttin'

I'm at the shop this week and my barber and I are debating the merits of the movie I, Robot when another customer gets a bit loud.

"Dammit i have been in the barber business for 45 years. Dale [My barber] was in grade school when i was starting my haircutting. So when I say this I know full well of what i speak" (seriously that is how he spoke)

"The Japanese, the Thai and especially the KO-reans have all learned to cut hair. They are driving Black barbers out of business"

ME:Um...I have never seen a korean cut black hair

"Man, you just a youngster. You don't know. They are running us out"

My barber, said to pay him no mind as he was crazy. Considering the shop is named after the barber who is in jail for shooting someone in the buttocks, on two occasions, I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the clientele.

So I wrote the above in 2004, and I now go to a new shop to get my cut and sure enough, there is a Korean guy cuttin' .  I still think that guy was a fruitcake but `i lost my notes on his other grand theories of the World.

Best Party Ever

[This story contains a lot of saucy language]
So, Shannen Doherty used to be on Beverly Hills 90210.

In fact, her last year on the show was my first year on the show.  Since I was the new guy I got to deal with her.  the thing was we got along fine.  I never saw all the shit that people say about her.

I mean I heard about it, sometimes from Shannen herself, but never did she act out in front of me.  Hell I think I was one of the few people that tried to be supportive about Ashley!  I must have been desperate.

Anyway, as a way to celebrate her leaving the show and because it was her birthday, Shannen had a party in Hollywood. She invited me and said I could bring a guest.  Oddly enough, i could not find anyone to go with me.

Anyway it was held in this pretty hip happening bar called the Cave, in Hollywood.  I get there and standing outside is mad paparazzi just waiting for something to happen.  I asked one of the guys if it is always like this and he said, "HELL YEAH!  Shannen is always good for a picture if there is a party involved"

First card

So I am there for maaaaaaaybe 15 minutes making the rounds and this guy standing by the bar picks up a bottle like he is John fuckin Wayne and BREAKS THE THING ON THE BARTOP!  He yells out,"she came with me and that bitch is going home with me man!" and starts waving the thing around.

Look, I watch a lot of TV so I am torn between falling on my ass laughing at seeing the most cliched barfight in the world and waiting for Kung Fu Joe to kick his ass in slow motion.

Instead, three guys that have a combined weight well over a half ton, take this guy down in a muscle ballet, making sure that he gets a bloody nose to remember the event by. I drink my beer and wonder if people will start dancing soon...

Second card

Well that was fun and everyone is having a good time talking about that and what will the show be like next year without Shannen.  Shannen herself shows up about now with her new guy in tow (Rob Weiss, I believe) looking great in a very slit up the everywhere evening gown.  She sees me and says Hi and she is really glad I came.  I thank her for inviting me and tell her she already missed the party-intiating fight.  She tells me that she is glad she wasn't here because someone would have taken a picture and claimed she was fighting and she just wants to have a good time. Remeber this.

The place is packing up and I am seeing all the Hollywood kids having a good time.  i bust out a few moves with a chick that is high enough to clear Kilimanjaro but overall I am just watching.

Suddenly I am violently moved 5 feet to my right as these two lesbian chicks go to war over some other chick that I saw tongueing one of them earlier.  I mean I haven't seen two dudes go at it like this.  Those three Hill giants show up and one of them goes down due to an errant foot to the groinial regions.  By the time they get them apart there is some blood and a few torn clothes. Can this party really get better?

I am giddy as a school boy in the girls locker room.  Shannen comes by muttering about her fucking friends do this every GD party.  I laugh and look forward to the next event.

The Main event

At some point, House of Pain show up with part of Cypress Hill.  You can tell because everyone is buzzing off the contact high from the smoke in the room.  If you have never been to a Cypress concert or hung out in Berkeley you might be lost here.  Just go with it and trust me that it was them.

[This next part is based on interviews conducted by your intrepid blogger over the next year to get to the bottom of this event]

Now it seems that the HoP kids have a little crush on our girl Shannen.  Furthermore they decide that tonight is the night to make that move and the best way to do that is to jack up her boyfriend.

She tells them to lay off and behave and then takes off to deal with some other part of the party.  Meanwhile Danny Boy and the posse escort Mr Weiss outside to talk to him about his intentions toward Shannen.

Suddenly Tori runs into me and asks if I have seen Shannen.

"Yeah she's back by the guns. Why?"

"The House of Pain is kicking Rob's ass"

I would like to say this is one of my fave quotes ever but there is no way to work it into conversations.  That makes me sad.

I, of course, make my way to the door that I just saw her come thru.  I have to say I didn't really see any ass kicking so much as some pushing.  Of course, part of that may have been because of the photogs snapping 100s of pictures.

Suddenly shannen comes blowing past me.

"DAMMIT! STOP FUCKING UP MY PARTY" and she jumps between Rob and Danny Boy, which I bet made Rob happy. Danny Boy starts to push Shannen out of the way to get back to his discussion with Rob, when I witnessed one of the greatest things ever.

Keep in mind, Danny Boy is a big dude and Shannen is like 5-5'2 and maybe 102 pounds with heavy shoes on.

Shannen pulls back and blasts Danny dead in his nose.  I swear I heard a chorus of angels and heavenly light shone upon her.

Danny Boy staggers back and I think he seriously thought about popping her one but by that point everybody was there.  Security, the press, everybody.

it was the best party ever  

Run out and buy a copy of the new adventures of Wyatt and Madara Houston!

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