2 posts tagged “storytime”

Cuttin'

I'm at the shop this week and my barber and I are debating the merits of the movie I, Robot when another customer gets a bit loud.

"Dammit i have been in the barber business for 45 years. Dale [My barber] was in grade school when i was starting my haircutting. So when I say this I know full well of what i speak" (seriously that is how he spoke)

"The Japanese, the Thai and especially the KO-reans have all learned to cut hair. They are driving Black barbers out of business"

ME:Um...I have never seen a korean cut black hair

"Man, you just a youngster. You don't know. They are running us out"

My barber, said to pay him no mind as he was crazy. Considering the shop is named after the barber who is in jail for shooting someone in the buttocks, on two occasions, I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the clientele.

So I wrote the above in 2004, and I now go to a new shop to get my cut and sure enough, there is a Korean guy cuttin' .  I still think that guy was a fruitcake but `i lost my notes on his other grand theories of the World.

Best Party Ever

[This story contains a lot of saucy language]
So, Shannen Doherty used to be on Beverly Hills 90210.

In fact, her last year on the show was my first year on the show.  Since I was the new guy I got to deal with her.  the thing was we got along fine.  I never saw all the shit that people say about her.

I mean I heard about it, sometimes from Shannen herself, but never did she act out in front of me.  Hell I think I was one of the few people that tried to be supportive about Ashley!  I must have been desperate.

Anyway, as a way to celebrate her leaving the show and because it was her birthday, Shannen had a party in Hollywood. She invited me and said I could bring a guest.  Oddly enough, i could not find anyone to go with me.

Anyway it was held in this pretty hip happening bar called the Cave, in Hollywood.  I get there and standing outside is mad paparazzi just waiting for something to happen.  I asked one of the guys if it is always like this and he said, "HELL YEAH!  Shannen is always good for a picture if there is a party involved"

First card

So I am there for maaaaaaaybe 15 minutes making the rounds and this guy standing by the bar picks up a bottle like he is John fuckin Wayne and BREAKS THE THING ON THE BARTOP!  He yells out,"she came with me and that bitch is going home with me man!" and starts waving the thing around.

Look, I watch a lot of TV so I am torn between falling on my ass laughing at seeing the most cliched barfight in the world and waiting for Kung Fu Joe to kick his ass in slow motion.

Instead, three guys that have a combined weight well over a half ton, take this guy down in a muscle ballet, making sure that he gets a bloody nose to remember the event by. I drink my beer and wonder if people will start dancing soon...

Second card

Well that was fun and everyone is having a good time talking about that and what will the show be like next year without Shannen.  Shannen herself shows up about now with her new guy in tow (Rob Weiss, I believe) looking great in a very slit up the everywhere evening gown.  She sees me and says Hi and she is really glad I came.  I thank her for inviting me and tell her she already missed the party-intiating fight.  She tells me that she is glad she wasn't here because someone would have taken a picture and claimed she was fighting and she just wants to have a good time. Remeber this.

The place is packing up and I am seeing all the Hollywood kids having a good time.  i bust out a few moves with a chick that is high enough to clear Kilimanjaro but overall I am just watching.

Suddenly I am violently moved 5 feet to my right as these two lesbian chicks go to war over some other chick that I saw tongueing one of them earlier.  I mean I haven't seen two dudes go at it like this.  Those three Hill giants show up and one of them goes down due to an errant foot to the groinial regions.  By the time they get them apart there is some blood and a few torn clothes. Can this party really get better?

I am giddy as a school boy in the girls locker room.  Shannen comes by muttering about her fucking friends do this every GD party.  I laugh and look forward to the next event.

The Main event

At some point, House of Pain show up with part of Cypress Hill.  You can tell because everyone is buzzing off the contact high from the smoke in the room.  If you have never been to a Cypress concert or hung out in Berkeley you might be lost here.  Just go with it and trust me that it was them.

[This next part is based on interviews conducted by your intrepid blogger over the next year to get to the bottom of this event]

Now it seems that the HoP kids have a little crush on our girl Shannen.  Furthermore they decide that tonight is the night to make that move and the best way to do that is to jack up her boyfriend.

She tells them to lay off and behave and then takes off to deal with some other part of the party.  Meanwhile Danny Boy and the posse escort Mr Weiss outside to talk to him about his intentions toward Shannen.

Suddenly Tori runs into me and asks if I have seen Shannen.

"Yeah she's back by the guns. Why?"

"The House of Pain is kicking Rob's ass"

I would like to say this is one of my fave quotes ever but there is no way to work it into conversations.  That makes me sad.

I, of course, make my way to the door that I just saw her come thru.  I have to say I didn't really see any ass kicking so much as some pushing.  Of course, part of that may have been because of the photogs snapping 100s of pictures.

Suddenly shannen comes blowing past me.

"DAMMIT! STOP FUCKING UP MY PARTY" and she jumps between Rob and Danny Boy, which I bet made Rob happy. Danny Boy starts to push Shannen out of the way to get back to his discussion with Rob, when I witnessed one of the greatest things ever.

Keep in mind, Danny Boy is a big dude and Shannen is like 5-5'2 and maybe 102 pounds with heavy shoes on.

Shannen pulls back and blasts Danny dead in his nose.  I swear I heard a chorus of angels and heavenly light shone upon her.

Danny Boy staggers back and I think he seriously thought about popping her one but by that point everybody was there.  Security, the press, everybody.

it was the best party ever